I wish I was a man

I don’t really know my sexuality. I usually say I’m straight, but I have been sexually attracted to women. The problem is my mom is extremely homophobic, and she would disown me if she knew I felt any kind of way toward women right now. In eighth grade (I’m 17 now), she found out I had a crush on a girl and tried to send me to a therapist. She told me I needed professional help. That was before I even knew it was frowned upon to like the same gender. The reason I sometimes wish I was a man is because I think I’m in love with a girl right now. It’s not just a small crush. I imagine us as adults being together, living together, having a family. If I were a man, I feel like I could actually have that, but I’m not. I’m not really dominant in any way, but I would be for her. At the same time, I don’t like some of the thoughts I have about her. I can’t help it when I have explicit thoughts. It hurts when she talks about the guys she’s dealing with, how they give her mixed signals or act weird. I would give her everything she’s ever wanted and more. But the most I can do is hug her and imagine what my life would be like with her if I were a man.