Im the guy who pooped in the mall bushes last night

Last night I was out for a late dinner at the mall. About five minutes after we left the restaurant, my stomach started feeling really painful. I was clenching my butt with eve thing I had. I ran back to the restaurant, but they’d already locked the doors. I banged on the glass and the staff just looked at me and pointed at the "Closed" sign. I tried the main mall bathrooms, but they were all shuttered behind those metal security gates. I found the thickest bush I could find near the edge of the parking lot and just... let it go. It was easily the nastiest, most violent thing my body has ever produced. I had nothing to wipe with. I had to use my hand just to get the worst of it off, then snuck over to a nearby outdoor drinking fountain to rinse off before sprinting to my car. I drove home in total silence and spent forty minutes scrubbing my hands in the shower. I feel like a biological criminal. To the landscaping crew: I am deeply, deeply sorry.