I regret not giving my child up for adoption every day

This is a throwaway account. I have never admitted any of this out loud before but here goes. I got pregnant at 17. Everyone around me was adamant I would not get an abortion and I was reassured again and again when I mentioned adoption that I would have support and the baby and I would be taken care of. The father and his family walked away when my baby was a few weeks old. They had been so against the adoption or an abortion and promised me all the support in the world. My own family were supportive in ways until my child was three and then they grew tired of it. They kicked us out and told me I should not call for money, babysitting or help with anything. I was so desperately alone with my child and I don't even know if I ever actually loved my child. I see them as truly innocent and would never harm them but do I feel a bond? I don't think I do. Every day since I had my child I have wished I didn't have them. I have regretted not going ahead with adopting them out for a long long time. I knew the abortion would be impossible with everyone around me willing to prevent it. But my child could be with someone who loves and wants them. They could have a support network and stability and a lot of good things in their life. Right now they only have a mother who never wanted to be their mother. I do everything to hide it. I have read therapy and self help books, books on having kids, parenting, adoption, etc. I just truly regret keeping my child. I wish I could have seen where we would end up. In the end nobody who said they wanted this child born and in our family wanted them enough to be there. And even though I didn't go around saying it to them after I gave birth, I think some of my family knew how I felt.