I lived out my fantasy and it's absolutely dreadful

Lads I'm writing to you from the hotel cuck chair with great sadness, I'm 23m and as we all know older women are interesting, WELL after putting in the legwork helping her move furniture and everything then eventually sweet talked her into going to a hotel for the weekend, she said yes, brilliant! What a gullible fool I was. We shagged as soon as we got into the room beautiful start, went out for food somewhere I've been before, lovely, then we got back to the room Boys this woman is unreal she commentated everything on TV including the adverts, then she started scranning cheesy Doritos in the bed, THEN SHE SETS THE FUCKIN FIRE ALARM OFF BY VAPING AND BLAMES IT ON THE SHOWER I TOOK AN HOUR BEFORE she had a fat shit before my shower too, the fuck is that about? Anyway she finally goes to bed and fuck me can this woman snore, it's like someone running a very old very dry disc cutter that keeps cutting out, and if she isn't snoring in my face she's ripping the loudest farts in my direction. Mate she was awake going "here it comes" and cracking off ass blasts that'd make broadside cannon fire sound like a hushed round of applause So here I am 2:13am in the hotel cuck chair sheltering from the warzone that is the hotel bed (which she is starfished on) wishing I'd not listened to my pants pole, stayed home, had a joint and a wank and gone into blissful sleep at a crisp 11pm And to those in my position heed my tale of horror, hell is real and it is everything they described and worse.