17 years ago, cheated with my best friend's wife

17 years ago, my best friend was out of town and I was hanging out with his wife - nothing unusual there. We always hung out. We were all super close. Anyway, on one night one thing lead to another and she gave me head. When post-nut clarity hit, I left the house - feeling absolutely horrible. After a few days of feeling tortured, wondering what I should do, I decided to tell him. As one might expect, that conversation did not go well. He basically told me to fuck off forever. And his wife? Well, she told him that I was lying - and he believed her. I'm not sure why someone would lie about such a thing, but that's beside the point. Anyway, 17 years later I still live with the guilt. I think about him pretty regularly - we were more like brothers than best friends. I really fucked up and I miss him and our friendship. No type of sex is worth losing a friend over. I have tried to talk to him a couple times over the years - to apologize, etc. But radio silence. When he said fuck off forever, he meant that shit. And I deserve it. I have yet to figure out how to let this guilt go. Maybe I just deserve to feel it forever. They are still together, btw. Two kids.