UPDATE: My girlfriend thinks I have a secret heirloom pasta sauce recipe (literally Rao's) and her Italian grandma invited me to cook.

Well, I survived, but only after realizing I got played like an absolute fiddle. I got into her car trembling with a bottle of Barolo I bought to soften the blow. Right before she started the engine, she reached into the backseat and dropped two family-sized jars of Rao’s marinara into my lap. She looked right at me, smirked, and asked, "didnt you forget your great-aunt's secret ingredients?"...I almost had an aneurysm! Turns out she saw the empty jars in the trash months ago and told her grandmother. The entire "come cook side-by-side with Nonna" invitation was a coordinated prank between the two of them just to make me sweat for an entire week. When we got there Nonna opened the door grinning, and we uncorked the wine and talked for hours. We ate amazing food, they roasted me mercilessly over my fake culinary pedigree, and she sent us home with a massive tray of lasagna. I’m not sharing this as some cute "go ahead and lie" story. Living with that stupid secret for two years was exhausting, and this easily could have ended in pure humiliation. I’m just ridiculously relieved the truth is finally out.