I’ve 💀 someone when I was 16

‼️TW: abuse, SA/grape‼️ TLDR: I shot and 💀 my grapist and no one knows except the police and the detectives that worked the case. When I was 16, there was an older man at my church that was a well known regular and he always paid a little more attention to me than people normally did. He came up to me one day after I stormed out of service because my mom had said something mean to me. From there on, I would tell him about the things my abusive mom did to me and at the time it felt like he was the only person that believed me. I was being raised by a single mom and didn’t know how to appropriately interact with men. I thought he was being nice. Obviously he took advantage of my naivety. I ended up talking to this man for about 6 months. We would “sneak away” to a closet or empty room to “cuddle” when there was a break before the next service or group started. One day he gave me a tracphone to text him on, because my mom kept taking my cell phone away from me. Shortly after I started messaging him on that phone, he began to ask for explicit photos and videos, threatening to tell my mom that I was trying to get her arrested or something if I didn’t send them. Ofc it escalated to more serious threats of bodily harm or sharing my explicit photos with the entire church. One night when my parents went on a trip and left me alone in the house, I snuck out and met up with him. At first I tried to go back to my house but he pointed a gun at me and told me to get into the car. We went to a motel and I saw him toss the gun onto the bed before he…yk. I’ll skip the details but you can assume what happened. Afterwards, he turned away from me to get up and I somehow flung myself as hard as I could and managed to grab the gun and fired three shots directly at his head. My mom knew what happened that night but only the detective and the cops knew that I had actually delivered the shots. I told my mom he did it to himself. Idk if she believed me but we don’t talk about it. I haven’t told anyone (including my therapist) that he didn’t end his own life. I just never want anyone to ever picture me doing that. I’d be too painful I think for them and I don’t want to be treated like a kicked puppy.