I don’t love my 8 year old son. I regret having a child.

When I first had my son I was 20 and didn’t expect a pregnancy. I thought it would be amazing and I was excited to be a mother and raise my son. I thought having kids was sunshine and rainbows and never expected my own child would physically abuse me. My relationship ended but we do co parent and my husband is also a role in his life. It started from a young age. Biting, hair pulling, grabbing. That felt normal at his age. But it never stopped. He has thrown a hairbrush at my face. Hit my face and back of my head with his iPad. Bit me hard, scratched me, yanked my hair, sometimes I’ll just be sitting and relaxing and he comes over just to kick me and try and strangle me. I’m so fed up. I don’t know what caused his aggression. I’ve never laid a hand on him neither has his father. We try not to yell. We’ve been to multiple therapists and do everything and so much research. The father told me he has none of these behaviors and is an angel with him, and he’s never gotten into trouble at school or friend’s house. He only behaves like this to me, and I have no idea why. I didn’t do anything to him. I dread coming home from work. I dread having to spend time with him. The worst part is, I can’t tell anyone because they will say “he’s just a kid it’s not his fault” or make me seem like a horrible person. It’s like i’m not a person and I just have to take it. I feel miserable and horribly depressed. I’m scared for the future. What if he gets older and can overpower me? He has once poked my meye so hard it was swollen for days and red. He has yanked my eyelashes. I’m scared of him. I have tried to love him but I can’t. I know I sound awful for saying that, but I just can’t take it. I want to abandon him sometimes. When I prepare food he throws it at me or on the floor. He has peed on my bed and my clothes on purpose, destroyed my things, dropped my phone in the toilet and tried flushing. I’ve tried grounding, I’ve done everything professionals have suggested and he just won’t stop. I’m stuck with this forever. I can’t escape this hell. My marriage is suffering because my son causes me so much mental distress, and I don’t feel safe in my own home. I hate my son.