i pretend im more confident about traveling than i actually am

okay so this is kinda embarrassing to admit but whatever, its confessions so here we go. ive been traveling solo for a while now and everyone back home thinks im this super brave, fearless girl who just takes off across the country without blinking. i guess i let them believe that because it sounds cooler than the truth. the truth is half the time im terrified. i act like i know what im doing but im always one wrong turn away from crying in a parking lot. like yesterday, i checked into this hostel in nevada and immediately realized i had no idea how to talk to the group of people hanging out in the common area. i literally walked in, panicked, pretended i forgot something, and walked right back out. then i sat on my bunk scrolling my phone like i wasnt totally overwhelmed. i also pretend that being away from my boyfriend is fine and good for us, but some nights i lie there wondering if im the one messing everything up by leaving for so long. i dont tell him im scared or lonely because i dont want him to worry or think i cant handle this. the dumbest part? i post cute pics and little updates to make it look like im thriving. and sometimes i am, but not as consistently as i make it seem. i guess ive built up this image of myself that i feel like i have to keep performing. idk, it just feels good to admit out loud that im not as put-together or adventurous as people think. im trying, but im definitely faking pieces of this as i go.