Have you ever disimpacted yourself? I have.

I will preface this by saying i’m pregnant and so one of the side effects of such is constipation. The second preface, I have a newfound extreme respect for individuals who enjoy back door activities, maybe I would have been better off if I had attempted those before. The evening started as normal, got home from work, fed the dog, showered, and then the urge hit. I expected it to, I had taken a stool softener, what I didn’t expect was the next three hours, yes, three, of trauma that ensued. The first was fine, doom scrolling mostly and thus I hadn’t realized how long had passed. Towards the end of the first hour though I realized the log had been stuck at the opening of my nope ring for a while and I thought that was strange. I gave it a little while longer to see if things would naturally move along, drank more water, took another stool softener, squatty potty in position, even used the bidet to assist. Nothing worked. I go to trusty google to see what my options for getting out of this predicament are as I’m now in mild pain and on hour two. Google says relax, breathe, lube, and an enema. So, naturally, I screenshot pictures from the drug store app and send them to my spouse to go get the enema, glycerin suppositories, and gloves. By the time he returned, we’ve hit hour three. Hour three consisted of me (with gloves) lubing my nope hole, wetting the log with the enema, and then the unfortunate delicate digging (and yes, very very delicately). I did this three times for probably thirty minutes minimum total. I eventually got to a point where I could use said enema properly, and then placed the glycerin suppository as there was more left. About ten minutes later I felt a rush, like a slip-and-slide with dish soap on it, and it all came out. By now, i’m shaking like a chihuahua in Serbia, not because I am cold, but from what I can only assume is the shock and trauma from the last three hours. I now write to you from my lavender bubble bath after a second shower. I hope you have enjoyed reading of my misfortune, get your fiber and water in, especially if you are pregnant.